Hamlet in 15 Minutes
by Merry Grace
Summary: Hamlet summarized, scene by scene, but in parody.
1. Chapter 1

Hamlet

Act 1, Scene 1

Marcellus and Horatio see Hamlet Sr. They freak out.

Horatio tells Marcellus that Hamlet Sr. won some land and stuff from Fortinbras of Norway and killed him in the process.

Fortinbras Jr. wants his daddy's land back. Denmark is preparing to defend itself.

Ghost/Hamlet Sr. won't talk to them, they decide to tell Hamlet Jr.

Act 1, Scene 2

CLAUDIUS - "I married my sister-in-law, even though that's considered incest by pretty much all of Denmark and I wrote this note to Fortinbras' senile uncle, the king of Norway, telling him what Fortinbras is up to, and he can't have his lands back. Cornelius and Voltemand, go tell him."

LAERTES – I want to go back to France.

CLAUDIUS– Go do it. Hamlet, everybody loses a father. Get over it.

HAMLET – It's been two months!

GERTRUDE (Hamlet's mom)– …And? By the way, I don't want you to go back to Wittenberg for school.

HAMLET – Okay.

Exeunt everyone but Hamlet.

HAMLET – passionately soliloquizes IT HAS BEEN TWO MONTHS!!! – Oh, hey there Horatio. Long time no see. Marcellus, hey.

MARCELLUS AND HORATIO – Yo. We came for your father's funeral.

HAMLET – You mean my mother's wedding?

MARCELLUS AND HORATIO – OH SNAP. Oh by the way, your father's a ghost and he's walking about at night.

HAMLET – TAKE ME TO HIM.

Act 1, Scene 3

LAERTES: Hey sis, I'm leaving for France. While I'm gone, make sure you don't take Hamlet too seriously. He's probably just trifling with you.

OPHELIA: Uuuhhh…thanks…for that.

POLONIUS: Bye, son.

LAERTES: Bye dad. Remember what I said, Phel.

OPHELIA: Sure thing.

POLONIUS: What did he say?

OPHELIA: mutterHamletmutter

POLONIUS: What was that? Speak up!

OPHELIA: I think Hamlet likes me!

POLONIUS: Man, are you stupid. Who would like you? You can't talk to him anymore.

OPHELIA: You guys are great.

Act 1, Scene 4

HAMLET: Well, here we are…Cold, idn't it?

HORATIO: Yep…

MARCELLUS: Look, there he is!

HORATIO: I think it wants you to go with it. I don't think you should, though. You might be driven crazy. Not that I'm giving the audience any foreshadowing or anything.

HAMLET: Psh. Whatever. I'm going. AND I'LL STICK MY POINTY SWORD INTO YOUR GUT IF YOU TRY TO STOP ME!

HORATIO: facepalm

HAMLET: rushes off

HORATIO: Dude, we should probably follow him.

MARCELLUS: Forward!

Act 1, Scene 5

GHOST: I'm your dead dad.

HAMLET: …ehhh…..haaaa….ffeeeee

GHOST: Okay, look. You know how people say I was killed by a serpent that bit me in the ear?

HAMLET: The ear? Are you serious?

GHOST: Shut up and listen, knave. The "serpent" that "bit me" now wears my crown.

HAMLET: Holy crap! My uncle?!

GHOST: You're quick. Anyway, it doubly sucks, cause I didn't have time to confess my sins before a priest, so it's kinda anyone's guess where my soul is going. Why we're worried about this, when William Shakespeare was a Protestant, I don't know. I guess it adds tension.

HAMLET: haaaa……feeeee….

GHOST: Oh, look at the glowworms. Gotta go. Take care!

MARCELLUS AND HORATIO: enter

HORATIO: Dude…what happened?

HAMLET: shakes himself Uuuhhh…I can't tell you. You'd let the cat out of the bag.

HORATIO: No way, man. We tight. thumps chest

HAMLET: There's never a villain dwelling in all Denmark but he's an arrant knave.

MARCELLUS AND HORATIO: True story.

HAMLET: Look, guys, promise you won't tell anyone what you've seen tonight.

HORATIO: Because we totally want people to think we're as crazy as you. Trust me, we're not telling anybody.

HAMLET: Swear on my sword, just in case.

MARCELLUS: Look, dude, I promise we're not going to tell anyone.

HAMLET: Swear on my sword!

HORATIO: Look, I know it's been a tough night, what with seeing your dead dad and everything…

HAMLET: Swear on my freaking sword!

MARCELLUS AND HORATIO: Look, it just really isn't neces-

GHOST: from underground SWEAR ON HIS SWORD, BITCHES!

HORATIO: This is me swearing on Hamlet's sword.

GHOST: mutters**Finally!**


	2. Chapter 2

Act 2, Scene 1

POLONIUS: Okay, Reynaldo, I want you to go to France and spy on my son, Laertes.

REYNALDO: Sure thing.

POLONIUS: Question his friends.

REYNALDO: Absolutely.

POLONIUS: Pretend to be distantly acquainted with his family.

REYNALDO: Gotcha.

POLONIUS: Pretend to have heard some faintly bad things about him.

REYNALDO: Check.

POLONIUS: Just some little things…like gaming, fencing, swearing, fighting, carousing, drinking, whoring, you know, the usual.

REYNALDO: …Come again? Wouldn't that…be bad?...

POLONIUS: Pish tosh.

Exeunt Reynaldo.

Enter Ophelia.

OPHELIA: Eek!

POLONIUS: What happened?

OPHELIA: Hamlet was just now in my room, looking like he'd seen a ghost –

SOME ANNOYING KID IN THE AUDIENCE: Rimshot!

OPHELIA: He rushed toward me _**with his clothes practically falling off**_, and put his hand out toward my face _**with his clothes practically falling off**_ and kept it there for a long time _**with his clothes prac**_ –

POLONIUS: I get the picture.

OPHELIA: He left eventually, looking at me over his shoulder.

POLONIUS: He must be mad for your love.

OPHELIA: I hope—uh, fear so.

TEENAGERS IN AUDIENCE: Hamlet sweats Ophelia! Har!

POLONIUS: Well, I guess I was wrong. He must actually like you. Go figure. Unfortunately, he's been driven crazy by now, so we can't actually get the two of you together.

OPHELIA: Shit.

POLONIUS: Well, we better go tell the king and queen that the prince is crazy.

OPHELIA: If you weren't my dad I'd totally slug you right now.

POLONIUS: What's that?

OPHELIA: If I weren't so sad, I'd totally hug you right now.

Act 2, Scene 2

CLAUDIUS: Ah, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern. Glad you could make it. See, the thing is, Hamlet's gone weird.

R&G: Didn't his dad die two months ago and you just married his mom?

CLAUDIUS: Yeah, but that can't be it.

GERTRUDE: The reason we asked you here is because you and Hamlet have known each other forever. You're pretty close, right?

R&G: Yeah…

CLAUDIUS: Great. Well, we'd like you to start hanging out with him, get him drunk, stuff like that, and tell us what he says.

R&G: Hmm…obey the king, filial loyalty, obey the king, filial loyalty…There's not enough pressure here! Okay, okay, we like our lives the way they are, so we'll do it.

CLAUDIUS: Awesome.

Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

CLAUDIUS: Hey, Voltemand, what news from Norway?

VOLTEMAND: The senile uncle arrested Fortinbras. No worries.

CLAUDIUS: Sweet. How now, Polonius?

POLONIUS: The heir to your throne is bonkers.

CLAUDIUS: I KNEW IT! I mean…what makes you think that?

POLONIUS: Just listen to this letter he sent my daughter: "To the celestial, and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia"

CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE: ………………

GERTRUDE: What's so wrong with that?

POLONIUS: Have you _seen_ my daughter?

GERTRUDE: Yes, she's quite –

POLONIUS: My cocker spaniel is more beautified. Anyway, I told her to stop seeing him, and she may be ugly, but she is loyal to her old dad. Anyway, I think it drove him silly.

CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE: You may be right.

POLONIUS: Of course I'm right. Okay, here's the plan. You know how Hamlet walks around the great hall brooding a lot?

CLAUDIUS: Yeah, I don't get that.

POLONIUS: Well, we're going to hide behind a tapestry while he does and then…we'll set Ophelia loose.

GERTRUDE: I just felt a prescient chill down my spine. I'm not sure this is a good idea.

CLAUDIUS AND POLONIUS: Women.

HAMLET: enters

CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE: scurry off

POLONIUS: Hey there, Hamlet old buddy, old pal!

HAMLET: aside Oh, dear Lord.

POLONIUS: You remember me, right?

HAMLET: Yeah, you're that fishmonger, right?

POLONIUS: I'm, uh, actually, the, uh coughprime ministercough.

HAMLET: Whatev.

POLONIUS: So…whatcha reading?

HAMLET: Slanders. The satirical rogue says that old men have grey beards and wrinkles. Weird, right?

POLONIUS: aside He's really gone daft! Well, I've gotta go.

HAMLET: Thank God.

Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

ROSENCRANTZ: HAMLET!

GUILDENSTERN: HAMLET!

HAMLET: ROSENCRANTZ! GUILDENSTERN!

Much chest bumping and reminiscing ensues.

HAMLET: So what brings you to prison?

R&G:…………..

HAMLET: Denmark. Prison. Prison, Denmark, Denmark's a prison.

R&G: Oh!

HAMLET: So…what brings you here?

ROSENCRANTZ: We just came to visit you.

HAMLET: Are you sure?

GUILDENSTERN: Absolutely. Why wouldn't we be sure? There is absolutely no reason for us to be not sure that we came here to visit you.

HAMLET: So…you weren't sent for?

GUILDENSTERN: There is absolutely no reason for us to be not sure that we came here to visit you.

ROSENCRANTZ: Very smooth.

HAMLET: No kidding.

ROSENCRANTZ: Okay, look, your uncle did send us to see what's up with you, and then to tell him.

HAMLET: All right, then, I'll just go ahead and tell you. My dad died and I'm freaking depressed.

GUILDENSTERN: Makes sense.

ROSENCRANTZ: I think so.

HAMLET: has an emo moment Man delights me not.

R&G: snicker

HAMLET: No, I was not referring to women, you perverts.

GUILDENSTERN: Why, no! No, that's not snicker what we were snort thinking…

HAMLET: rolls eyes

ROSENCRANTZ: Oh, by the way, there's a traveling troupe of players in town.

Enter Polonius.

POLONIUS: Hamlet, I have news!

HAMLET: Me, too. Green is the new pink.

POLONIUS: There's a troupe of players in town.

HAMLET: Bring 'em on in.

Enter players.

HAMLET: Hey guys.

1ST PLAYER: Hey yourself. I mean, Your Majesty.

HAMLET: Say something pretty.

1ST PLAYER: proceeds to give a classic monologue

POLONIUS: halfway through monologue This is too long.

HAMLET: Yeah, well, so's your beard. aside to 1ST PLAYER Can you guys do one of your plays for us tomorrow?

1ST PLAYER: Sure thing.

HAMLET: If I were to insert a dozen or so lines in there, could you memorize it and make it work?

1ST PLAYER: Psh. Don't insult me. Of course.

HAMLET: Great.

Exeunt everybody but Hamlet.

HAMLET: Just in case nobody else in the audience gets what I'm planning at this point –

SOME ANNOYING KID IN THE AUDIENCE: Trust me, if we don't our English teachers do!

HAMLET: Shut up, it's in the script. As I was saying…I'm planning to reveal my uncle's murder of my father in the play, to see what Claudius' reaction is, so I'll know for sure if he really did it. On another note, I'm feeling pretty bad about myself, but what really – what else is new?


End file.
